I Love the Words, "AND THEN"

I consider myself a strong woman.  I consider myself a strong, Christian woman.  I am not emotional.  I am, and always have been, a fighter.  But recently, out of nowhere, there was the proverbial, straw that broke the camel's back.  I would also like to say, I am the world's worst at asking for help or talking about things.  I help others, and I rarely need help.  I am not bragging, I wish it were not this way, but it is a reality.  I wake up every day and pray and read God's word and ask him for the opportunity to make someone's day better because he created me.  If that opportunity is not clearly presented, then I make it happen.  Even if it is the tiniest gesture of putting someone's favorite drink on their porch and shooting them a text.  That doesn't make me good, it makes God good, and me his hands and feet; and in turn, that brings me joy.  Service is my spiritual gift, but it is not my love language.  My love language is time.   Nothing gives me more joy in this busy world than for someone I love to spend time with me!  NOTHING. But when you are not feeling strong, and you don't want others to know, you push them away, and it makes things worse.  By worse, I mean "crying at the drop of a hat, thinking about how useless you are, how your children's pain is your fault, and how the world would be better without you in it" worse. I never thought I'd kill myself, but I did think, "if God chose to take me now that would be ok, better for everyone and especially better for me." I was selfish and that's not me.

I was barely holding on and I told no one.  I ignored phone calls and texts from friends.  I would go to bed right after I cleaned the kitchen from our evening meal, and even my husband had no idea.  I went to a counselor, I went to my doctor, I changed my medicine, but I spoke to no one about how I felt.  My youngest had just lost his room mate in a horrible way and had moved back home with us.  My days were consumed with watching him grieve fiercely and I wondered if he would make it.  HE was barely hanging on and I was not about to tell anyone I was feeling the same way.  I have one friend, who is like a mother to me, and she recognized it.  But when we would get together, all I could do was set and stare at her with tears running down my face.  I had no explanation as to why.  I felt weak and useless, tired and sad. Hoping at any moment God would just take me. 

I tried to give my son verses that would help him through the day; but God used them for me as well. In silence I was barely holding on, but I was holding. Holding on to John 16:33..In me you will have peace, in the world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.  And John 16:20 You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. I had lost sight that I could be happy and sad at the same time.  Good things can come out of death, and happy moments can be found in sorrow.  

I am so thankful for that one friend. Even more thankful that I never felt God had forsaken me or left me behind!  But it was all I could do to respond to her or pray to him.  Satan was doing a number on me.  Words like unworthy, unclean, useless, unloved, and unrighteous swept through my heart and mind all day and night.  Why I never told my husband I cannot say.  I know he would do all he could to help me, but honestly it was all we could do to care for our son so I hid it.  I would give compassion all day to him, and wish for death to come and take me at night.  I would dwell in the Psalms like 103 "the life of mortals is like grass and flowers of the field that flourish, but when the wind blows it is gone and remembered no more."  There is not one thing beautiful about reality when you are barely holding on.  Life feels ugly and useless, and you are "adding to it" in your mind because you have no hope and reality is too strong.

We have friends who lost a son to depression in 2013 and their boy was the most multi-talented human being to walk the planet.  He could created anything. And the best way for me to describe how I felt, is by a life size art exhibit he created of a man who had lost it all.  The piece is beautiful in its own way.  I remember carrying it one time, and it was light because it was hollow.  Just how I felt inside. Not to mention, as a Christian, I knew Christ died so I may live and I felt guilty about that as well.  How could I have been given this beautiful life and want to leave it?  How could I be so weak and useless to others when so many counted on me? I wasn't living.

I have always hated to lose and everyday was a defeat. I lived in a deficit. Jeremiah 8:18 says "you who are my comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me". I longed to feel better but I could not see it.  I longed to live but wanted to die.  Our son is a pianist, and our home has been filled with music of all kinds for years.  He was not playing because of his depression and I longed for him to even set at the piano and even consider a note. I would listen to Christian music & bawl, I'd visit a group of people I love with special needs thinking that would lift my heart toward God, and I couldn't walk in the room.  There was little hope and my world was shrinking around me, becoming smaller and smaller and me being ok with that reality.  Less to deal with, less to confront, less to press down on me.     
  I wasn't afraid at home, until I was.

Jacob got worse despite the counseling, and we would hang on by a thread until his next appointment or medication change.  I would hate to leave the house because I was terrified when I came home I would find him dead and I knew what I was going to do if that happened. So, I didn't leave.  But I also didn't sleep when he was gone.  Things were getting harder and then I read the 11th chapter of John one night, I needed to be reminded that Jesus too was sometimes sad.  He wept. I needed validation that sadness was alright.  Then as I read, I got to verse 40:  "Jesus said, did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"  

I can't explain it.  But God validated my grief, my fear, and even my life with those verses. He said to me in his own way, that "it was going to be alright, he had things in his hands, I just needed to continue on, and he would again make life a gift and not a burden." There was not confetti, balloons, or an audible voice.  No party, no instant joy.  But there was hope and there was grace in the reality of my situation.  I slept well that night and when my husband left for work, Jacob got up and played piano.  HE PLAYED HIS PIANO! You have no idea the joy that came with that.  You can't, because I had no idea.  Immediately, I got the simplest of texts from my friend and all it said was, "Have a good day, I am praying for you and I love you." That day wasn't a snap.  It was a struggle like the others but I felt hopeful.  I felt things might actually be alright and we may have joy again.

   

However,  I will tell you what did change:  I was not afraid any longer.  I lived on Isaiah 41:10 for a solid month. Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Satan could give whatever obstacle he wanted to in my life but I was not afraid.  There were still tears and doubt but God's word sustained me and his love gave me strength. Each day was better.  It has been hard and some days are still tough, I won't lie.  But Romans 15:13 is so true for me today, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope".  I am in no way challenging life, asking satan to "bring it on" because of my winning attitude, but I at least know all of those "uns" in my life are gone.  I am worthy and loved by my Father; and there is music again in our home. 

                                                                                    I love you friend...

 

The Baby of the Family

I have said this about my other two children, our kids could not be more different.  God
wants us to celebrate how he made them and rejoice in their differences.  Like we have a choice....but this last one of mine has been a roller coaster ride because he is SO DIFFERENT than how he was as a child.  When you have a baby you notice their demeanor, how they react or respond and you think you know how they will be as an adult.  WRONG.  Don't count those chickens yet!

 Jacob Nolan Gregg was born on January 25, 1996 and he was the most 
BEAUTIFUL BABY I had ever seen; and I had given birth to an "angel baby" 22 months earlier.  He had olive skin, green eyes and the perfect full lips.  Hair as black as coal and, you know what I mean mommas, the perfect shaped head! 

 He was easy going with two older siblings who were active.  He kind of rolled with the flow as he lived in his car seat.  He LOVED to be at home and I think it was because the little guy was driven all over the place!  When he was at home he was an active little ham!  He made silly faces and always fessed up if he made a mess by taking my hand and leading me to said mess.  He loved being dirty, anything related to sports, and whatever his sister and brother were doing.  Even when Faith started dance classes he would practice with her!  She threw some pretty fancy tea parties which he gladly attended when Cade was at school.  He would hesitantly slip on heals and a tutu until he got the goods and then out of those he would come! He was a surprise baby and one of which I could not have been more happy about.  He definitely put the explanation point at the end of our family!

1.  He was a fierce little baseball and football player and ran like the wind!
2. He and his best buddy, Jonathan, loved karate and they succeeded in getting all the way up to a brown belt.  (I told him I would buy a black belt to save him from a beating)
3. He loved to play outside, swim, go to our ranch and hunt with his daddy.
4. He played golf, rode his bicycle and scooter all over the neighborhood and when he got some birthday money one year he bought a unicycle.  Mastered that thing in no time and added to the collection.
5. He later got a giraffe unicycle and rode that 6 foot thing all over the neighborhood waving and astonishing people.  He was a mess!   He still is, but in a different way. 
6. In junior high, he had torn his ACL and could no longer participate in baseball and football. He was fine in the summers, but when school started his buddies were in sports.  It changed things around here, his sister was busy and his brother had an active life with friends and a job.
7. I tried so hard to have his friends over often and maintain relationships with them but as they became more involved with sports, he became more introverted.  He golfed for a while but then gave it up because of all the walking and his knee swelling.
8. Not to say that he was a just a lump of clay that sat around all the time, but he was not the fun-loving, goofy kid he had been just a year before. Where was my baby?
9. Hebecame introverted and I did not know what to do with that!  I had a
   showman in Cade, and a performer in Faith and all of a sudden here is
   this kid who was on track and now I could not even find the train! 
10. When he was 13 or so, his dad asked him to back his GIANT 4 wheel drive truck out of the garage and Jacob did not want to; but he was obedient and dad insisted he could do it.  Jacob, had moved the truck out of reverse while talking to his dad and forgot to put it back....drove straight inside the house! KID YOU NOT  But to be fair he did say he didn't want to do it! ( Please note:  this happened on a Thursday and I had a wedding shower Saturday morning in THIS VERY ROOM) 
    
    
    
    
    
11. Jacob barely made it through high school.  Not because of grades because he is a brilliant young man; but because he had no hobby.  We tried, but when your focus is sports and you can't play and video games is not an obsession, you don't have much to go on.  He became in introvert to an extent that worry and pray was all I did for him. 
    
12. He was angry. Wanted me to home school him. Wanted to change schools.  And he was not a "sharer" of why.  He was miserable and that made me miserable.  He didn't want a job, his friends (except for one) was questionable and that friend played football.  When your children hurts, you hurt.  When your children won't talk to you, there is NOTHING you can do.  And trust me, I tried it all!  Bribery, love, reason, asking others to help, friends, pastors, parents, family etc.  No use. I now had an introvert who hated his life. (That was so out of my realm)
13. Then, Jacob's junior year a friend's son, whom we loved like family, took his own life.  It was the most horrific thing to see that family go through the affects of depression on their child.  Also, learning as a family to live a new life without him.  
14. But you add the above to a child who seems to be teetering on some sort of depressive/teenage edge; your mother's heart becomes scared.  Every time he doesn't answer a phone call or text your heart dies and you have to get to him asap.  
15. But you know what?  I lived in I Thes. 5:16-18   Rejoice always; pray without ceasing;  in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  I mean constantly!  Driving, cooking, getting ready, folding clothes, and even waking up in the middle of the night to pray for him. It made a difference...
16. His Senior year, after not having taken piano for 10 years, but having a love for classical music, he decided to take lessons again.  I got him in with a friend in less than a week.  He FINALLY had something to occupy his time and mind and fill his heart.  He studied like a fiend, took to it like a fish to water, & I actually saw joy again!
17. Within months he had surpassed what she could teach him because he was so hungry for the theory of piano, so he got a new teacher.  Then he wrote his own classical piece and we paid to have it recorded.  And in a year he was taking from a composer. He had found his "thing", his "heart", his "joy" his "missing piece".  And let me tell you, he is brilliant.  In three years....he has gone from playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star 10 years prior, to Beethoven and  Stravinsky and writing his own compositions.
    
     Then one Sunday night he goes home to find his room mate dead....  
    

    
    
18. John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. Take heart; I have overcome the world"
    The Bible doesn't say we "might" have tribulation, it says we "will", and boy have we.  No, not directly.  We are not the families with the lost sons and broken hearts.  But when your child seems to be hanging on the edge of the cliff and you can barely reach him with your fingertips...he is slipping... and slipping....and you don't see the will to hang on in his eyes? That is terrifying. 
    

 You desperately want to go back to an easier time and try again.  Tell him everything is going to be ok, but you know it's not.  In this life we will have trouble. He has lost two wonderful people at a young age in four years and he will never be the same.  

(And they will not be the last ones to go)

I see blessings in the pain. I see grace in the reality. 

 I see blessings for each family we love who have lost a son.  

2 Cor. 12:9-10   But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That
is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in
hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. 
For when I am weak, then I am strong.

We have had much counseling over the last four years.  We have had tears of sorrow and tears of joy.  We have had failures and triumphs.  His life has been a learning process BIG TIME! And we are not out of it (which is another blog) because my son is not sure about Christianity, about God, or salvation.  He was raised that way but life and others have influenced him and his thinking.  So, I continue to pray because itis all I can do.  My favorite hymn has always been "Come Thou Fount" and it means more to me as a mother of young adults than it ever has....

"Oh God, tune his heart to sing your grace!"